It is the last day of 2013. We sent the boys to stay with my parents for the remainder of the year on Saturday. Brad and I felt that it was important for them to get away for a little while, and just be kids for some time. Fred (my dad) had some activities planned to keep them occupied, and promised that they could come home early if there were any issues... you know how Vinnie can get--particularly around my dad. ^_^
I've gotten some texts from the boys, apparently they first went to Barnes and Nobles--which you know is a sure fire way to keep them happy. Mom sent a picture of the boys siting in the graphic novels aisle, sipping Starbucks lattes. They do know how to keep their mind off of things. They took them to the CSI exhibit at the museum the next day. They seemed to enjoy solving the "murder" more than the car crash. I'm not sure what that means. I think it might mean we let them watch way too much csi procedural television shows.
Tonight they're going out to a friend of Jason's to set off some fireworks. I've already had once report of "accidental" firing of a roman candle at someone, and possible fire damage to clothing. But I think it's also possible Vinnie is exaggerating.
It's been a hard year. Sometimes I wonder if you and Tabby are sitting around drinking tea and laughing like hell about how I'm trying to keep things together here. This was never supposed to be the deal, but then again,being in this family means rolling with the punches. I knew that when I joined our happy crew, but I always thought I would have you two to help. I'm not complaining--it is what it is, after all--but I do wish you were here to help.
Anne Lamott says:
“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”not everyone here is ready to dance. Some days it hurts more than others. Little things set us off. Seeing a shirt that used to belong to Tabby, wearing your star necklace to church, listening to Christmas carols, or hearing some REALLY good gossip and having NO ONE to share it with... these things make us ache. Sometimes we cry because we are sad for us, and sometimes we cry because we're angry you're not here. We are reforming our family without you, but it's like making a bracelet out of a broken necklace.... it's still jewelry, and it's still ok... but it's just not the same. It's not our necklace.
I wish I knew how to "mourn," how to cry a really good cry. I miss you, my friend. We both knew what the end game was going to be. How many times did we talk about this back when we first knew Tabby was sick? What we would do if we knew there was nothing else to be done? I got to give it to you, you stuck to your principles. I'm not sure I could have done that. You were so brave and nonchalant about the whole thing. "How you doing, Nancy?" I'd ask, and you would say, "dying." And then I would say, "well, that sucks." and we would move on to other subjects.
Tomorrow will start a new year... well, technically it will be a new year in a couple of hours... and my one resolution is to write to you at least once a week. Remember the last time we talked? You were so worried that you would somehow lose my friendship, and I told you, "don't be silly. You will always be my friend." Well, I'm going to write to you once a week, my friend. It's my way of making a bracelet.
Happy New Year.
~Jenn
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